Predator Vs Mission: Impossible II and III

When we’re grandparents, our scornful warnings to little grandchildren who refuse to eat their greens won’t be of the wicked wolf, or monsters under the bed; they will be of Tom Cruise. The once golden man-child of mainstream movies may be something of a laughing stock nowadays — a tiny, little, oh-so-punchable laughing stock — but his weird cartel of Scientology nuts and desperately overpaid lawyers has sent movers and shakers around Hollywood running to the hills in order to avoid a casual suing. This is all well and good, but we’d love to see him try and take the Predator — the most badass trophy hunting alien in the galaxy — to court.

Die Hard Vs Live Free or Die Hard

Aging sucks. Sure, that might be a tad discriminatory, but we’re pretty sure even your grandparents would agree. Stuff starts sagging, memory fades, limbs become untrustworthy, chronic moaning sets in; it’s not a good look for anyone. So why are we innocent children of the 20th century constantly being forced to watch the retirement home sequel to all our Eighties faves nowadays? 1988’s Die Hard was undeniably awesome, an epoch defining film that spawned at least one more unforgettably good action movie and prompted hours of recess time spent using fingers as guns and screaming catchphrases (“Yippee ki-yay, motherf****er!”) as you PWNED your school chums, pretending to be Bruce Willis and ridding the under-siege tower of your terrorist friends.Die Hard 4.0? It was a farfetched, patronizing reminder that Bruce Willis’ character will soon be able to ride the bus for free. Timothy Olyphant was a less satisfying white collar crook than even Philip Seymour Hoffman in MI:3 and the less said about the teen sidekick (played by Justin Long) the better. And no one but no one struts their stuff on a moving fighter jet; not even John McClane.

RoboCop Vs The Fast and the Furious

1987’s RoboCop was one of those movies that wasn’t necessarily the number one Eighties action flick, but that played an absolutely crucial role in the delicate popular culture continuum of the decade. Imagine, if you will, the Sixties without The Mamas & the Papas, or the Seventies without bad haircuts or the color orange. It would take away a vital part of the times. This is the case with RoboCop. It was a great movie. RoboCop himself was a half-man-half-machine policeman from the future, with a penchant for delivering justice the hard way and taking crap from no one.Were RoboCop to exist in world of The Fast and The Furious, we dare say the smug grins would be wiped rapidly off the faces of Vin Diesel and his flatulent buddies as they got served some brutal justice for doing 55 in a 40 zone, an activity they seem particularly proficient at in the boring 2001 movie about illegal street racing. Vin Diesel would cry like a toddler. And we would laugh our asses off.

Terminator Vs Casino Royale

For anyone growing up in the 1980s, Arnie was boss. It was his decade; he may as well have had the copyright. His finest moment for many was of course his first foray into the robot-based action flick genre, playing the Terminator in the eponymous 1984 movie classic. Arnie portrayed a leather jacket-clad badass from the future, pursuing the protagonists through the streets of LA with an array of different weapons and a total disregard for human suffering.Scroll forward 22 years and said human suffering is the only thing ‘action’ hero Daniel Craig has in common with Arnie, making us all suffer through his pudgy, smirking, pudding-faced reboot of Bond in what might have otherwise held the potential to be a good movie. Killing off this particular 007 cannot come soon enough. Even Timothy Dalton would look better in a fight.

Aliens Vs Avatar

James Cameron waited 15 years until he turned his original script for Avatar into an Oscar-winning movie (following the George Lucas excuse of allowing CGI techniques the time to improve sufficiently), so it’s a real shame it blew. Sure, Avatar was arguably one of the most overwhelmingly colorful movies ever made — with the use of modern 3D techniques only furthering its stunning visual clout — but it also had the most contrived storyline since Smug Cop 4: Smugger Bastard. The storyline was a sort of fermenting temaki roll of Pocahontas, Dances with Wolves and An Inconvenient Truth all crammed together, and what’s more, the aliens in it sucked.Pit those freaks against the HR Giger conceived extra-terrestrials of our childhood favorite Aliens and there’d be a blue bloodbath with facehuggers and chestbursters scampering gleefully all over the place. Plus, Sigourney Weaver, as seen in Aliens, is buff — especially with a pulse rifle in her hands. As blue CGI in Dances with Smurfs? Not so much.

Commando Vs Crank

If this is one generation’s flagship badass versus another, we’d say the poor unfortunate kiddies that are being brought up on the likes of Crank are being drastically sold short by the R-Rated movie. When we were little it was absurdly over-the-top action goodness courtesy of former Governor Schwarzenegger that got our tiny hearts beating, and whilst Crank does utilize a slightly bonkers level of simulated of violence, when it’s delivered by a whiny cockney smart-ass like Jason Statham it just doesn’t cut the mustard.Arnie’s charms came from his one-liners, his expert wielding of rocket launchers and machine weaponry, his poise and his pure monosyllabic class as he rescues his daughter from that Australian bad guy with a ‘tache. Plus, in the case of 1985’s Commando, the levels of gore are so inherently Eighties — read: inherently exaggerated — it was never going to be knocked from its pedestal by some balding guy from London playing with a handgun or two.

Horrible Bosses Movie Reviews Posters

Oh look, Movie Fans: Horrible Bosses posters have been released, including this one, which features Jennifer Aniston and a bang. By now, millions have seen the trailer for America’s Sweetheart next soiree at the box office, in which the usually clean-cut bombshell stars as a sex-crazed dentist who harass her subordinates and enjoys a banana in lingerie. Jen shares the screen with Jason Sudeikis and Colin Farrell in Seth Gordon’s raunchy comedy, in theaters July 8.

Pirates of The Caribbean

Then Pirates of The Caribbean came roaring into theaters, and that was the end of Johnny Depp as an actor. Yes, he’s made a few smaller films since that film shattered everyone’s expectations, and yes, he’s still one of the most talented people working in Hollywood. But Pirates of The Caribbean: Curse of The Black Pearl seemed to mark the beginning of the end for the Ed Wood-Johnny Depp. In his place, we got…Captain Jack Sparrow. At first, this was fine and dandy– we all loved Jack Sparrow– but three films and a billion dollars at the box office later, the schtick’s worn thin, Ed Wood-Johnny Depp is a rapidly-fading memory, and Pirates of The Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides is here to rub it in all our faces.On Stranger Tides? It’s more like The Curse Of The Bloated Blockbuster as the series’ much-heralded back-to-basics approach founders on the rocks of dull backstory, too many characters and a sense of tiredness.With that are-we-nearly-there-yet? running time, Pirates 4 offers convincing proof this franchise has lost its sea legs.It kicks off in 18th century London with Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) cheating the gallows only to be ensnared by former love Angelica (Penélope Cruz – her eyes practically screaming, ‘get me out of here’).Forming an uneasy alliance with her and her dad Blackbeard (Ian McShane), they sail off to find The Fountain Of Youth, also being sought by the Spaniards. Along the way, they meet man-eating mermaids, zombie deckhands and Sparrow reunites with one-legged pal Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush).It says a lot that Pirate veterans Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom have jumped ship, but Depp is back thanks to a reported £40m pay cheque. As far as value for money goes, that makes him the Fred Goodwin of acting, with his turn as the fey and unbalanced seaman rather one-note, while Sparrow’s backstory clogs up the film’s first 40 minutes.His relationship with Angelica is also so simplistic and devoid of spark it could have been written by a child.If you can be bothered, look out for small, pointless appearances from Judi Dench and Rolling Stone Keith Richards as Sparrow’s dad. Again.Depp said this movie was going to take us back to the pared-down but exuberant first film, The Curse Of The Black Pearl. But director Rob Marshall has taken us back to the lob-everything-at-the-screen formula of Dead Man’s Chest and At World’s End. Even compared to these, the gags are a little less funny, the action a little less gripping and the gaps between both a little bit longer.